Dear Emily

To my dearest emily. I am so excited about taking a trip to seattle with you in january. It will prove to give me a wonderful opportunity to have my fun with you. I'll let you live on the plane ride there since I need someone to hang out with for the trip. The second we get there Ill tell you we are going to my sisters but instead I will take you to a popular bike trail near her house and tie you to the ground as all the fit seattle people ride their bikes all over you. While you are being trampled I will be enjoying me sisters company. Once we are done 5 bottles of wine I will come back to get you and you will be flat as a boob post mammogram. I will then parade you around the markets of seattle to show off my freak of a friend and make millions of dollars because you look so insane. Since I have become a world class fisher thanks to your dad I decide to start a fishing company in seattle and and use you as my bait. Since you have been flattened to such a thin pancake you now literally are the width of a football field. I then hire a bunch of mexicans to begin to slice you into 1 inch squares that I will use as my bait. My fishing company becomes very successful becuase of your sweet emily skin so everyday I flatten you out even more to make more of what is left of you rotting fleshy corpse. Finally there is so little of you left that I decide it would only be humane to stop using you as bait. By this time I am so rich that I can afford to keep you alive through life generators even though all the doctors tell me it is only causing pain to you. I could never cause any harm to my oldest friend! Eventually though my fishing money stars to get thin so I say fuck it and pull the plug on the machine and then feed you to my new dog pete
love abby

Dear Hannah

Hannah I am so happy you have finally turned 21 but as a result I feel you have finally lived you life and are ready for a proper death. To start it out I will feed you a delicious concoction home made infused vodkas mixed with ginger beer and laxatives. I would then feed you 20 more till you were laying in your bathroom passing out in you own fecal matter. If I had any kind of heart I would leave you there to die and end your pain. I would wake you and pull you out of your own shit and clean you off in a bath of maple syrup. You naturally would smell delicious and I would parade you around town naked and call you aunt jemima. As much as I want to protect you when the fat angry asian gangsters fall in love with you and forcefully take you, there is nothing my week muscles can do to save you from them. They now own you and feed you moo shoo pork every night until your stomach is half as big as one of your boobs- aka you are obese. One night as you are chowing down on fortune cookies you have become so large that you fall through the floor of your room in your new chinese slum house. Needless you to say you have fallen into a giant tub of msg and almost are asphyxiated from the dangerous chemicals when a giant osprey swoops in and rescues out of this tub of msg. Unfortunately for you when the opsrey drops you off at the marina you are surrounded by your evil lunatic friends who watch as the osprey and pete lick your maple syrup filled body until you are 100 percent dead while we go swimming and boating and get wasted and then steal all your clothes. loveeee you ~abby

Dear Hannah

If I could kill you, I would take all of your moms acupuncture needless and stick them in your shoes and make you walk to wegmans and climb into the dumpster to rub old moldy fish all over your body. after you spend the night eating moldy peches and rotten egg salad I will wake you up with a bottle of apple vodka and make you chug the whole thing until you puke your guts out into a trash bag which I will then tie around your body and make you wear while you are carted in a splintery wooden wagon to antartica. ONce you get there you will be almost dead because I will have made you chug apple vodka, puke and then eat your puke as your only sustenance. But you will be recused by penguins and they will try to help you by feeding you raw fish and letting you sleep under their oldest fattest mother penguin. But as soon as you get slightly better I will take you to the ganges river and soak your bloody, pukey body in it until you get all sorts of gross diseases and then make the crazy hindu guy who never ever cut his fingernails in his life caress you with his dirty nails until you die slowly of all your painful diseases.

Love,

Emily


This is what you will look like when you die...