Dear Hannah

Hannah I am so happy you have finally turned 21 but as a result I feel you have finally lived you life and are ready for a proper death. To start it out I will feed you a delicious concoction home made infused vodkas mixed with ginger beer and laxatives. I would then feed you 20 more till you were laying in your bathroom passing out in you own fecal matter. If I had any kind of heart I would leave you there to die and end your pain. I would wake you and pull you out of your own shit and clean you off in a bath of maple syrup. You naturally would smell delicious and I would parade you around town naked and call you aunt jemima. As much as I want to protect you when the fat angry asian gangsters fall in love with you and forcefully take you, there is nothing my week muscles can do to save you from them. They now own you and feed you moo shoo pork every night until your stomach is half as big as one of your boobs- aka you are obese. One night as you are chowing down on fortune cookies you have become so large that you fall through the floor of your room in your new chinese slum house. Needless you to say you have fallen into a giant tub of msg and almost are asphyxiated from the dangerous chemicals when a giant osprey swoops in and rescues out of this tub of msg. Unfortunately for you when the opsrey drops you off at the marina you are surrounded by your evil lunatic friends who watch as the osprey and pete lick your maple syrup filled body until you are 100 percent dead while we go swimming and boating and get wasted and then steal all your clothes. loveeee you ~abby