To my dearest emily. I am so excited about taking a trip to seattle with you in january. It will prove to give me a wonderful opportunity to have my fun with you. I'll let you live on the plane ride there since I need someone to hang out with for the trip. The second we get there Ill tell you we are going to my sisters but instead I will take you to a popular bike trail near her house and tie you to the ground as all the fit seattle people ride their bikes all over you. While you are being trampled I will be enjoying me sisters company. Once we are done 5 bottles of wine I will come back to get you and you will be flat as a boob post mammogram. I will then parade you around the markets of seattle to show off my freak of a friend and make millions of dollars because you look so insane. Since I have become a world class fisher thanks to your dad I decide to start a fishing company in seattle and and use you as my bait. Since you have been flattened to such a thin pancake you now literally are the width of a football field. I then hire a bunch of mexicans to begin to slice you into 1 inch squares that I will use as my bait. My fishing company becomes very successful becuase of your sweet emily skin so everyday I flatten you out even more to make more of what is left of you rotting fleshy corpse. Finally there is so little of you left that I decide it would only be humane to stop using you as bait. By this time I am so rich that I can afford to keep you alive through life generators even though all the doctors tell me it is only causing pain to you. I could never cause any harm to my oldest friend! Eventually though my fishing money stars to get thin so I say fuck it and pull the plug on the machine and then feed you to my new dog pete
love abby
Monday, October 31, 2011
Dear Hannah
Hannah I am so happy you have finally turned 21 but as a result I feel you have finally lived you life and are ready for a proper death. To start it out I will feed you a delicious concoction home made infused vodkas mixed with ginger beer and laxatives. I would then feed you 20 more till you were laying in your bathroom passing out in you own fecal matter. If I had any kind of heart I would leave you there to die and end your pain. I would wake you and pull you out of your own shit and clean you off in a bath of maple syrup. You naturally would smell delicious and I would parade you around town naked and call you aunt jemima. As much as I want to protect you when the fat angry asian gangsters fall in love with you and forcefully take you, there is nothing my week muscles can do to save you from them. They now own you and feed you moo shoo pork every night until your stomach is half as big as one of your boobs- aka you are obese. One night as you are chowing down on fortune cookies you have become so large that you fall through the floor of your room in your new chinese slum house. Needless you to say you have fallen into a giant tub of msg and almost are asphyxiated from the dangerous chemicals when a giant osprey swoops in and rescues out of this tub of msg. Unfortunately for you when the opsrey drops you off at the marina you are surrounded by your evil lunatic friends who watch as the osprey and pete lick your maple syrup filled body until you are 100 percent dead while we go swimming and boating and get wasted and then steal all your clothes. loveeee you ~abby
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dear Hannah
If I could kill you, I would take all of your moms acupuncture needless and stick them in your shoes and make you walk to wegmans and climb into the dumpster to rub old moldy fish all over your body. after you spend the night eating moldy peches and rotten egg salad I will wake you up with a bottle of apple vodka and make you chug the whole thing until you puke your guts out into a trash bag which I will then tie around your body and make you wear while you are carted in a splintery wooden wagon to antartica. ONce you get there you will be almost dead because I will have made you chug apple vodka, puke and then eat your puke as your only sustenance. But you will be recused by penguins and they will try to help you by feeding you raw fish and letting you sleep under their oldest fattest mother penguin. But as soon as you get slightly better I will take you to the ganges river and soak your bloody, pukey body in it until you get all sorts of gross diseases and then make the crazy hindu guy who never ever cut his fingernails in his life caress you with his dirty nails until you die slowly of all your painful diseases.
Love,
Emily
This is what you will look like when you die...
Love,
Emily
This is what you will look like when you die...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
dumb slut
My dear dumb slut friends,
If i could kill you all, and this I dream about constantly, I would begin by locking you all in a room with an old moldy Micheal Jackson corpse and make you eat his rotting limbs. You would then become infected with the disease of chiild raper and would feel posessed to invade a preschool in Tennessee. The fathers would find out that you're raping their kids and would hunt you down with their shotguns and very long knifes. They would also be posessed with child raping and would rape you all with their weapons and then shoot your eyes out. Somehow, you'd escape their creepy death warehouse and stumble blindly into the tenessee forest where hunters would shoot you and attempt to make sloppy joes out of you. But, their knives were very dull and wouldnt be able to quickly kill you. Their fat wives would come into the kitchen and see you all bloody and dying on the linoleum floor and would pull up their farm dresses and aprons and sit on your faces. Their giant vaginas would smother you and you'd have no choice but to breathe in their cheesy fishy UTI fumes. You'd choke, they'd take pity and bring you to the local hospital to try and save you. Sadly, the car would get sucked up by a UFO on the highway 99, and aliens would bring you to outer space and perfom painful rituals on you that include way too much mayonaise and vinegar and mostly just burning you with lazer lights, your skin your blister and they'd pop the blisters, squeeze the juice out, and make you drink it. they'd then decide you werent worthy of outer space and throw you out of the UFO and you;'d fall into the Antartic Ocean and freeze of hypothermia and then penquins would eat you
If i could kill you all, and this I dream about constantly, I would begin by locking you all in a room with an old moldy Micheal Jackson corpse and make you eat his rotting limbs. You would then become infected with the disease of chiild raper and would feel posessed to invade a preschool in Tennessee. The fathers would find out that you're raping their kids and would hunt you down with their shotguns and very long knifes. They would also be posessed with child raping and would rape you all with their weapons and then shoot your eyes out. Somehow, you'd escape their creepy death warehouse and stumble blindly into the tenessee forest where hunters would shoot you and attempt to make sloppy joes out of you. But, their knives were very dull and wouldnt be able to quickly kill you. Their fat wives would come into the kitchen and see you all bloody and dying on the linoleum floor and would pull up their farm dresses and aprons and sit on your faces. Their giant vaginas would smother you and you'd have no choice but to breathe in their cheesy fishy UTI fumes. You'd choke, they'd take pity and bring you to the local hospital to try and save you. Sadly, the car would get sucked up by a UFO on the highway 99, and aliens would bring you to outer space and perfom painful rituals on you that include way too much mayonaise and vinegar and mostly just burning you with lazer lights, your skin your blister and they'd pop the blisters, squeeze the juice out, and make you drink it. they'd then decide you werent worthy of outer space and throw you out of the UFO and you;'d fall into the Antartic Ocean and freeze of hypothermia and then penquins would eat you
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dear Emily
Hello lovely emily
this post is from pete's left butt cheek..which i know is your favorite. Anyways i would get all up in your face like you love. You would be licking me and you would love it. All of a sudden i would release a toxic gas from my ass hole that you would have never expected. It is only toxic enough for you to be out for about a hour. Within that hour I would have magically shrunk you and stuck you up in one of those osprey nests. You would wake up in the form of a baby osprey. Before you could even panic you would haven fallen out of the nest. Unfortunatly you have not grown up as a bird and would fall right into the water because you can not fly. The second you hit water you would be swept with the current under the deck into a spot smushed next to the dock that you know you will not be able to escape. You sit here for days pondering you life and what you will do next. Unfortunalty one of those days hurricane irene happens to come and ruin you peace. The hurricane force winds blow you out of your safe spot and right onto land. The hungrey seagulls see you and grab you in their mouths. They fly you to a seagull spot and feed you their food. This does not sit well in your stomach and you start barfing right away. You barf away your entire stomach by accident. Then you try to eat a worm that the seagull has feed you. This was a mistake, since you had no stomach the worm began to eat every one of your organs. You are sitting on the beach dying organ less when a beach tag teenager comes up to you and makes you pay for a beach tag. This teenager has no place but to stick the beach tag through the last organ you have that functioning. This is your heart. A teenage beach tagger just killed you by sticking a beach tag through your heart. petes left but cheek is not longer so cute right?
this post is from pete's left butt cheek..which i know is your favorite. Anyways i would get all up in your face like you love. You would be licking me and you would love it. All of a sudden i would release a toxic gas from my ass hole that you would have never expected. It is only toxic enough for you to be out for about a hour. Within that hour I would have magically shrunk you and stuck you up in one of those osprey nests. You would wake up in the form of a baby osprey. Before you could even panic you would haven fallen out of the nest. Unfortunatly you have not grown up as a bird and would fall right into the water because you can not fly. The second you hit water you would be swept with the current under the deck into a spot smushed next to the dock that you know you will not be able to escape. You sit here for days pondering you life and what you will do next. Unfortunalty one of those days hurricane irene happens to come and ruin you peace. The hurricane force winds blow you out of your safe spot and right onto land. The hungrey seagulls see you and grab you in their mouths. They fly you to a seagull spot and feed you their food. This does not sit well in your stomach and you start barfing right away. You barf away your entire stomach by accident. Then you try to eat a worm that the seagull has feed you. This was a mistake, since you had no stomach the worm began to eat every one of your organs. You are sitting on the beach dying organ less when a beach tag teenager comes up to you and makes you pay for a beach tag. This teenager has no place but to stick the beach tag through the last organ you have that functioning. This is your heart. A teenage beach tagger just killed you by sticking a beach tag through your heart. petes left but cheek is not longer so cute right?
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