I miss you too, good thing the holidays are coming up so I can have a chance to put some of my words into action...
That being said when I see you in Dec If can kill you I will tie you all up with miles of old chewed bubble gum that I already made you pick off of hobos pee covered shoes. I will then cover your naked bodies in melted candy, sap, tar, whipped cream, and jelly until you are unbearably sticky. I'll let you alll sit in a room feeling sticky watching crochet videos and won't let you out until you have crocheted the bubblegum that you are wrapped into a beautiful work of art that I will sell for 100,000,000,000 dollars and use to buy a boat and lots of bears. I will put you on the boat and let you get really seasick and puke all over each other until your almost dead from the agony of it all. I will be watching from a secret camera in my posh mansion that I bought with your quilt money and when I feel like it I will press a button that releases the bears to tear your sticky ass bodies apart.
Can't wait to see you guys!
Lerve Emily
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
dear all friends
Dear all my friends that I have missed dearly,
1.. can't wait to see you all in december (not).
2. if i could kill you, when i kill you on december 12, i will first make you all chug o'doules non-alcoholic beer from 70 ft beer bongs until your stomachs pop. when the stomach volcano erupts, i will make sure that emily is positioned in front of christine's belly, mouth open. chrstine would be in front of abby, and abby in front of emily. thus, as the explosions come, you all would have some sort of sick love triangle of vomit being quickly forced into your mouths, and then explode from the abdomen again. this cycle would continue for 30 days and 30 nights, untill i would come and feed you all oysters and mussels and "Flamin Hot cheetos" ,which are quite delicious, but would burn your throat and stomach wounds so much until you wanted to truly die on the spot. i would then rub salt and vinegar on your wounds, all three of you, until you cried uncle. of course i wouldnt stop. i would bring you to africa, where it is hot and everyone has aids and is starving and make you give them fellatio until your tongues fall off. then, after they are all satisfied sexually, they would then begin to feel hunger pangs. they would skewer you like a kebab, and then roast you over a giant bonfire. at this time, it would be 120 degrees farenheit in the air, but the fire would be burning at approximately 1000 degrees farenheit. you would be high enough from the fire that it would burn off the top layer of all your skin, but you would be alive (like when you burn a marshmellow in the fire and ripe off the black crunchy crust and all is gooey inside- thats you). i would then rub your body in sawdust, shave off peices of your flesh, grind that shit up, and feed it to University of Washington students at Chipotle. Then, i'd kill you while you were watching them eat you in a fresh corn tortilla.
1.. can't wait to see you all in december (not).
2. if i could kill you, when i kill you on december 12, i will first make you all chug o'doules non-alcoholic beer from 70 ft beer bongs until your stomachs pop. when the stomach volcano erupts, i will make sure that emily is positioned in front of christine's belly, mouth open. chrstine would be in front of abby, and abby in front of emily. thus, as the explosions come, you all would have some sort of sick love triangle of vomit being quickly forced into your mouths, and then explode from the abdomen again. this cycle would continue for 30 days and 30 nights, untill i would come and feed you all oysters and mussels and "Flamin Hot cheetos" ,which are quite delicious, but would burn your throat and stomach wounds so much until you wanted to truly die on the spot. i would then rub salt and vinegar on your wounds, all three of you, until you cried uncle. of course i wouldnt stop. i would bring you to africa, where it is hot and everyone has aids and is starving and make you give them fellatio until your tongues fall off. then, after they are all satisfied sexually, they would then begin to feel hunger pangs. they would skewer you like a kebab, and then roast you over a giant bonfire. at this time, it would be 120 degrees farenheit in the air, but the fire would be burning at approximately 1000 degrees farenheit. you would be high enough from the fire that it would burn off the top layer of all your skin, but you would be alive (like when you burn a marshmellow in the fire and ripe off the black crunchy crust and all is gooey inside- thats you). i would then rub your body in sawdust, shave off peices of your flesh, grind that shit up, and feed it to University of Washington students at Chipotle. Then, i'd kill you while you were watching them eat you in a fresh corn tortilla.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Dear Emily
To my dearest emily. I am so excited about taking a trip to seattle with you in january. It will prove to give me a wonderful opportunity to have my fun with you. I'll let you live on the plane ride there since I need someone to hang out with for the trip. The second we get there Ill tell you we are going to my sisters but instead I will take you to a popular bike trail near her house and tie you to the ground as all the fit seattle people ride their bikes all over you. While you are being trampled I will be enjoying me sisters company. Once we are done 5 bottles of wine I will come back to get you and you will be flat as a boob post mammogram. I will then parade you around the markets of seattle to show off my freak of a friend and make millions of dollars because you look so insane. Since I have become a world class fisher thanks to your dad I decide to start a fishing company in seattle and and use you as my bait. Since you have been flattened to such a thin pancake you now literally are the width of a football field. I then hire a bunch of mexicans to begin to slice you into 1 inch squares that I will use as my bait. My fishing company becomes very successful becuase of your sweet emily skin so everyday I flatten you out even more to make more of what is left of you rotting fleshy corpse. Finally there is so little of you left that I decide it would only be humane to stop using you as bait. By this time I am so rich that I can afford to keep you alive through life generators even though all the doctors tell me it is only causing pain to you. I could never cause any harm to my oldest friend! Eventually though my fishing money stars to get thin so I say fuck it and pull the plug on the machine and then feed you to my new dog pete
love abby
love abby
Dear Hannah
Hannah I am so happy you have finally turned 21 but as a result I feel you have finally lived you life and are ready for a proper death. To start it out I will feed you a delicious concoction home made infused vodkas mixed with ginger beer and laxatives. I would then feed you 20 more till you were laying in your bathroom passing out in you own fecal matter. If I had any kind of heart I would leave you there to die and end your pain. I would wake you and pull you out of your own shit and clean you off in a bath of maple syrup. You naturally would smell delicious and I would parade you around town naked and call you aunt jemima. As much as I want to protect you when the fat angry asian gangsters fall in love with you and forcefully take you, there is nothing my week muscles can do to save you from them. They now own you and feed you moo shoo pork every night until your stomach is half as big as one of your boobs- aka you are obese. One night as you are chowing down on fortune cookies you have become so large that you fall through the floor of your room in your new chinese slum house. Needless you to say you have fallen into a giant tub of msg and almost are asphyxiated from the dangerous chemicals when a giant osprey swoops in and rescues out of this tub of msg. Unfortunately for you when the opsrey drops you off at the marina you are surrounded by your evil lunatic friends who watch as the osprey and pete lick your maple syrup filled body until you are 100 percent dead while we go swimming and boating and get wasted and then steal all your clothes. loveeee you ~abby
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dear Hannah
If I could kill you, I would take all of your moms acupuncture needless and stick them in your shoes and make you walk to wegmans and climb into the dumpster to rub old moldy fish all over your body. after you spend the night eating moldy peches and rotten egg salad I will wake you up with a bottle of apple vodka and make you chug the whole thing until you puke your guts out into a trash bag which I will then tie around your body and make you wear while you are carted in a splintery wooden wagon to antartica. ONce you get there you will be almost dead because I will have made you chug apple vodka, puke and then eat your puke as your only sustenance. But you will be recused by penguins and they will try to help you by feeding you raw fish and letting you sleep under their oldest fattest mother penguin. But as soon as you get slightly better I will take you to the ganges river and soak your bloody, pukey body in it until you get all sorts of gross diseases and then make the crazy hindu guy who never ever cut his fingernails in his life caress you with his dirty nails until you die slowly of all your painful diseases.
Love,
Emily
This is what you will look like when you die...
Love,
Emily
This is what you will look like when you die...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
dumb slut
My dear dumb slut friends,
If i could kill you all, and this I dream about constantly, I would begin by locking you all in a room with an old moldy Micheal Jackson corpse and make you eat his rotting limbs. You would then become infected with the disease of chiild raper and would feel posessed to invade a preschool in Tennessee. The fathers would find out that you're raping their kids and would hunt you down with their shotguns and very long knifes. They would also be posessed with child raping and would rape you all with their weapons and then shoot your eyes out. Somehow, you'd escape their creepy death warehouse and stumble blindly into the tenessee forest where hunters would shoot you and attempt to make sloppy joes out of you. But, their knives were very dull and wouldnt be able to quickly kill you. Their fat wives would come into the kitchen and see you all bloody and dying on the linoleum floor and would pull up their farm dresses and aprons and sit on your faces. Their giant vaginas would smother you and you'd have no choice but to breathe in their cheesy fishy UTI fumes. You'd choke, they'd take pity and bring you to the local hospital to try and save you. Sadly, the car would get sucked up by a UFO on the highway 99, and aliens would bring you to outer space and perfom painful rituals on you that include way too much mayonaise and vinegar and mostly just burning you with lazer lights, your skin your blister and they'd pop the blisters, squeeze the juice out, and make you drink it. they'd then decide you werent worthy of outer space and throw you out of the UFO and you;'d fall into the Antartic Ocean and freeze of hypothermia and then penquins would eat you
If i could kill you all, and this I dream about constantly, I would begin by locking you all in a room with an old moldy Micheal Jackson corpse and make you eat his rotting limbs. You would then become infected with the disease of chiild raper and would feel posessed to invade a preschool in Tennessee. The fathers would find out that you're raping their kids and would hunt you down with their shotguns and very long knifes. They would also be posessed with child raping and would rape you all with their weapons and then shoot your eyes out. Somehow, you'd escape their creepy death warehouse and stumble blindly into the tenessee forest where hunters would shoot you and attempt to make sloppy joes out of you. But, their knives were very dull and wouldnt be able to quickly kill you. Their fat wives would come into the kitchen and see you all bloody and dying on the linoleum floor and would pull up their farm dresses and aprons and sit on your faces. Their giant vaginas would smother you and you'd have no choice but to breathe in their cheesy fishy UTI fumes. You'd choke, they'd take pity and bring you to the local hospital to try and save you. Sadly, the car would get sucked up by a UFO on the highway 99, and aliens would bring you to outer space and perfom painful rituals on you that include way too much mayonaise and vinegar and mostly just burning you with lazer lights, your skin your blister and they'd pop the blisters, squeeze the juice out, and make you drink it. they'd then decide you werent worthy of outer space and throw you out of the UFO and you;'d fall into the Antartic Ocean and freeze of hypothermia and then penquins would eat you
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dear Emily
Hello lovely emily
this post is from pete's left butt cheek..which i know is your favorite. Anyways i would get all up in your face like you love. You would be licking me and you would love it. All of a sudden i would release a toxic gas from my ass hole that you would have never expected. It is only toxic enough for you to be out for about a hour. Within that hour I would have magically shrunk you and stuck you up in one of those osprey nests. You would wake up in the form of a baby osprey. Before you could even panic you would haven fallen out of the nest. Unfortunatly you have not grown up as a bird and would fall right into the water because you can not fly. The second you hit water you would be swept with the current under the deck into a spot smushed next to the dock that you know you will not be able to escape. You sit here for days pondering you life and what you will do next. Unfortunalty one of those days hurricane irene happens to come and ruin you peace. The hurricane force winds blow you out of your safe spot and right onto land. The hungrey seagulls see you and grab you in their mouths. They fly you to a seagull spot and feed you their food. This does not sit well in your stomach and you start barfing right away. You barf away your entire stomach by accident. Then you try to eat a worm that the seagull has feed you. This was a mistake, since you had no stomach the worm began to eat every one of your organs. You are sitting on the beach dying organ less when a beach tag teenager comes up to you and makes you pay for a beach tag. This teenager has no place but to stick the beach tag through the last organ you have that functioning. This is your heart. A teenage beach tagger just killed you by sticking a beach tag through your heart. petes left but cheek is not longer so cute right?
this post is from pete's left butt cheek..which i know is your favorite. Anyways i would get all up in your face like you love. You would be licking me and you would love it. All of a sudden i would release a toxic gas from my ass hole that you would have never expected. It is only toxic enough for you to be out for about a hour. Within that hour I would have magically shrunk you and stuck you up in one of those osprey nests. You would wake up in the form of a baby osprey. Before you could even panic you would haven fallen out of the nest. Unfortunatly you have not grown up as a bird and would fall right into the water because you can not fly. The second you hit water you would be swept with the current under the deck into a spot smushed next to the dock that you know you will not be able to escape. You sit here for days pondering you life and what you will do next. Unfortunalty one of those days hurricane irene happens to come and ruin you peace. The hurricane force winds blow you out of your safe spot and right onto land. The hungrey seagulls see you and grab you in their mouths. They fly you to a seagull spot and feed you their food. This does not sit well in your stomach and you start barfing right away. You barf away your entire stomach by accident. Then you try to eat a worm that the seagull has feed you. This was a mistake, since you had no stomach the worm began to eat every one of your organs. You are sitting on the beach dying organ less when a beach tag teenager comes up to you and makes you pay for a beach tag. This teenager has no place but to stick the beach tag through the last organ you have that functioning. This is your heart. A teenage beach tagger just killed you by sticking a beach tag through your heart. petes left but cheek is not longer so cute right?
Dearest Hanner,
That was very lovely by the way...if I could kill YOU,
I would electrocute your nipple piercings until your boobs burn off and fall onto the ground and get eaten by ants. Then I would have a squad of dirty old homeless men stuff your empty boob holes with porcupine quills covered in ketchup and fish scales. The scales would be shoved so far into your body that they will start to come out of your fingers and toes and I would then snap them off and feed them to you. Next i would strap Maddie to your face and laugh as she bites out your eyes and then send you both into Wal Mart where the creepy Wal Mart people would strap you down and rub their toe cheese all over your body. After that I will put you i a shopping cart full of rotten anchovies, clams, genital crabs, vanilla pudding and cat hair and tie it to the back of Amish wagon and have them cart you to the village creeper to live out the next five days doing his sexual bidding until you die of exhaustion and syphilis.
Love you,
Emily
I would electrocute your nipple piercings until your boobs burn off and fall onto the ground and get eaten by ants. Then I would have a squad of dirty old homeless men stuff your empty boob holes with porcupine quills covered in ketchup and fish scales. The scales would be shoved so far into your body that they will start to come out of your fingers and toes and I would then snap them off and feed them to you. Next i would strap Maddie to your face and laugh as she bites out your eyes and then send you both into Wal Mart where the creepy Wal Mart people would strap you down and rub their toe cheese all over your body. After that I will put you i a shopping cart full of rotten anchovies, clams, genital crabs, vanilla pudding and cat hair and tie it to the back of Amish wagon and have them cart you to the village creeper to live out the next five days doing his sexual bidding until you die of exhaustion and syphilis.
Love you,
Emily
Monday, August 29, 2011
Dear Emily
IIf I could kill you, I'd first start by taking you to Boston Market and making you gorge yourself on sausages, mashed potatos, turduckens, and meatloaf. Yes, this may sound delicious, but what you wouldn't know until 30 minutes later is that all of the food was made with bodily fluids of homeless men from Baltimore. And yes, they all had AIDS. Then I'd ICE you 180 times.. While you are drunk driving to the hospital to get a tetanus shot and and IV of hardcore vitamins, I'd run you over with an 18 wheeler full of duck eggs and vinegar. You would be stranded on the super highway in NJ while car after car ran you over and mixed your flesh with eggs and vinegar. You would be so scrambled, and covered in egg shells, that they would discard your body into a roadside ditch where werewolves would begin to lick your wounds and nibble at your nipples and sensitive bits. It would be painful. Then a mountain man would find your near-death body, and bring you back to his cabin, rape, then roast you. He would feed the leftovers to rats.
xoxo hANNAH
xoxo hANNAH
Friday, August 26, 2011
To my sweet dearest darling Sarah,
if I could kill you, I would first cover your whole body with super duper sticky stuff and catapult you onto a billboard where you would stick and be eaten by bugs and roasted by the hot sun for 3 days. Then I would rip you off, ripping off all of your back skin and take you to a kids soccer game where all the evil little boys will stomp on your back with their cleats, when your whole back is pulverized I will then take a hole puncher and hole punch your cheeks as well as your weenus skin and then make you gargle with bleach while crawling on your elbows through a feild of hypodermic needles. Next I will put you in a dark room with millions of bees and evil laughter until you die of aids and beestings.
Love,
ermilayy
Love,
ermilayy
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Dear Christine,
If I could kill you I would cut off all of your non life-giving extremities, juice them, make you drink them mixed with old chunky baileys from a shoe then put you in the ocean and let jelly fish sting sting you until your so itchy you could dir. Then we will shove your face into the ceiling fan while we purree habeneros and stick them into all your body cavities and then have a morbidly obese person sit on you and feed you kfc until you explode.
Love,
Emily, Hannah, and Abby.
Love,
Emily, Hannah, and Abby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)